3 am
Wake up with this horrible, numb feeling in both my legs. Realise that I passed out in a pair of my golf pants. Not sure if that was because I was really tired or because the blood supply to the region got cut off. They are very tight. Make a mental note to have a chat with Chris, the tour tailor, to have him loosen them for me. Decide it’s best to take ‘em off. This proves to be more difficult than initially anticipated. Like peeling off a layer of skin.
6 am
Finally manage to get the bleedin’ things off. By now I am hallucinating from lack of blood flow to the lower half of my body – catch myself thinking that, if she lost a bit of weight, Laura Davies would actually be mildly attractive. Leopard crawl to the bathroom and curl up on the shower floor. The warm water seems to do to the trick and slowly I begin to feel pins and needles as the blood starts to flow again. Can’t afford to be long – off in just over three hours and I still need to choose my outfit.
6.45 am
Finish up in the bathroom. Four kilos of hair gel and a tub of moisturiser later. Now for the arduous – but delightfully fun – task of choosing my outfit for the day. What’s it going to be? Blue pants, white shirt, green belt and pink shoes...or white pants, blue shirt, pink belt and green shoes. The choices I face on a daily basis.
8 am
End up going with the blue pants and white shirt option, but not after a serious deliberation session, which, in all honesty, left me quite emotional. So much so that my moisturiser started to run a little bit, meaning I had to re-apply. Off in half an hour. It’s going to be tight. But not as tight as these pants.
9.10 am
Arrive at the club. Playing Colsaerts in the semi. Defeated Lee yesterday. Gave him a thrashing in the style department too. Some of his shirts are nothing more than fashion crimes. Colsaerts is a different story: the Belgians always are. He has a smug, coffee-shop-frequenter look about him, which leaves me feeling a little uneasy. Plus I don’t like his long hair. Reminds me of Bernhard Langer in the ‘80s. Another fashion crime.
14.03
Defeat the Belgian on the first playoff hole. He didn’t seem too upset. In fact, he actually seemed rather relieved and keen to get back to the clubhouse. Something about a sauna session with Edfors.
Head back inside to change my outfit. Apparently I’m taking on Luke in the final. Decide to dress up extra nice just to impress him.
19.00
15. No, not my waist size. My World Ranking after that win.
2 & 1 was the final score. Denied Luke the chance to go No 1 in the world too. That’ll teach him to wear really hot green trousers and a salmon shirt. The colour combination was amazing. Only downside to the afternoon is that I fell down a bank after playing a ball out of a bush. Let me just tell you: the grass stains are horrific. Horrific. Pants are beyond salvage, which is actually such a pity ‘cause they were among my top 300 pairs. On the upside, I did win 704 000 quid, 50 grand of which I’ve given to Lee to get his wardrobe sorted out. The rest I’ve spent on really cool hats.
22.00
Chris the tailor says the pants can’t be adjusted. I decide to leave them as is. Rather dead than uncool.
NB: This article is intended as a parody.
