Final day of the Arnold Palmer Invitational
5.15am
Jislaaik, but I just can’t sleep, hey. So flippen nervous. Can’t believe it’s a Monday finish either! Could make it two wins in two weeks – Oom Johan is gonna be so proud! Don’t get ahead of yourself Ernie, man! Be calm. What would Gary do in this situation? Probably pushups. Think I’ll just nail a whiskey.
7am
OK, so I nailed six cos I slept like a little lamb. Didn’t even hear Ricci come back from the casino. The time to focus is here, though. I put my signed Nicholis Louw CD on and squeaked some serious tekkie to Hier Naby Jou. Hey, don’t judge boet, it helps me get my mojo on.
9am
Arrive at Bay Hill in my Escalade (the only thing Tiger and I have in common). Smaak this place cos the ou’s make sure there’s lekker pap and wors for my brekkie. Walk in to the change room and check old Retief. Think he’s also nervous cos there was a pretty ripe smell in there. Where the hell is Ricci, man?! If he’s not careful I’ll break up with him again. Simon is itching to get back on the bag…
10.15am
With a nice full tummy I make my way to the 1st tee. Forget the driving range ou maat. The whiskey oils these joints and I’m gonna swing like they did in the ‘60s! Lucky (for him) Ricci rocked up. I told him if he wants to run with the big dogs then he can’t urinate like a puppy (made that up hey!). Also had a chat to Oom Johan. He told me not to ‘Jean-van-de- Velde it’ out there today.
10.12am
With 10 minutes to go, it feels like the butterflies are lang-arming in my stomach. I just talk really slowly and smile so that people don’t notice I’m nervous. Under pressure from Kevin Na and Edoardo Molinari. I asked Ricci if he was feeling a bit naar after last night but he didn’t get it. Some okes hey, no sense of humour.
10.28am
Last entry before I tee off. Ricci’s gonna hang onto the old book while I play. Better not write yardages in it again or I’ll make him use his caddie bib as a pair of underpants. OK! Wish me luck mense.
15.00
ERNIE YOU BEAUTY!!! Wragtig mense, I did it again! Two wins in two weeks. Don’t touch me cos I’m. On. Fire. Made quite a bit of cash too – turns out Ricci was offering good odds on me not winning – we had quite a few takers. Time to collect baby.
16.00
Sitting in the clubhouse with Arnie and Retief. Arnie’s just ordered six jagerbombs – he still knows how to put those puppies away. Hope Retief has one. He’s plenty fun when he’s blitzed. We call him the ‘loose Goose’. OK, gonna stop writing now. Things are about to get crazy! Bring on Augusta, baby. Ernie is terug!
NB: This article is intended as a parody.
