7.03 am
Haven’t felt this nervous since I appeared on the Bob Hope Show. It’s the big day – time to tell everyone what they already know. Time to make it oh-fficial dawgs! Feel a bit bad that the big hoorah coincides with the WGC-Accenture Matchplay. OK, that’s a lie… But I am nervous.
9.30 am
Leave Tatiana’s apartment (she is a struggling 23-year-old Ukrainian gymnast who lets me sleep on her couch when I’m in town) for the PGA headquarters at Sawgrass. Steve calls along the way saying he’s just worked his calves at the gym so can he please wear shorts to the press conference. I tell him he’s sitting right at the back, behind the camera and the journalists – oh wait, that’s right, I made sure none of them were invited. Don’t want any tricky questions to ruin my routine. Steve says in that case he’ll wear the Lycra vest… along with the shorts.
9.42 am
Arrive at Sawgrass. Mom’s waiting with the speech. Gosh, I love that woman (in a mother-son way, of course). I’ve been told it’s quite a long one – the speech, that is. OK, so, ‘focus on golf’, ‘truly sorry’, ‘Buddhism’, ‘stop following me and my family you journalist scum’ and ‘back to rehab in the Swiss Alps’. Yip, looks like she’s covered pretty much everything. Should be a dolly. Oh, that reminds me, need to phone Jess, it’s her birthday today. What I would give to be 19 again.
10.58 am
My Casio tells me it’s two minutes to showdown. This is it. Decided to fill the room with close friends and family in order to minimise awkward questions that tend to get thrown at you at big events like this. Bit of a furore before the time though, with Jen, Mary-Kate, Lauren and Brigid all fighting for the last two seats in the front row. Not like they haven’t seen me up-close before. Steve is sitting at the back holding a poster, which reads, “Get in the hole!” Can’t take him anywhere.
10.59 am
Tim Finchem gives me one last kick on the shins to get the tears nicely welled up. The swine took a run-up, which I thought was a little malicious. This needs to be convincing, though. Must go out exactly at 11am – that’s when Ernie tees it up. Selfish, hey? I’ll show him selfish. OK… deep breath…
11.16 am
When are the Oscars? Cos I totally nailed that one – the speech. Mom and Steve bought the entire thing! Suckers. Gotta dash though cos I’ve got drinks with Michelle before I fly back to ‘rehab’. They tried to make me go to rehab… Ha ha! Next entry from St Moritz. Thank goodness the old knee’s OK – been dying to get a spot of skiing in. Time to dust off the lederhosen! Sehr gut Tiger! Log onto
NB: This article is intended as a parody.
