9:32
Great to be on holiday. Lying in bed enjoying the soft touch of the reindeer duvet. Stefanie, our aspiring Brazilian model/nanny has got the kids for the morning. I‘ve asked her to stop taking them to her waxings as it proved rather traumatic for them last time.
Blondie is downstairs in her new art studio. She’s working on Jepser’s bust, which she’s called ‘Expressions of Sweden’.
10:40
Finally get up and make my way to the bathroom. I take the opportunity to use the new Gillette Tiger Fore! (A special razor specially designed to shave the hairs on the forearm for maximum muscle definition.) Works like a dream. Teeth appear whiter than ever this morning. I can’t help noticing how goodlooking I am. A handsome billionaire. Who would’ve guessed?
12:00
Just finishing my final triceps exercise in the gym when I hear Blondie scream. My first thought is that she’d broken a nail. I run downstairs with the repair kit only to see her standing there with my mobile phone. Not good. She’s seen an SMS she shouldn’t have seen. How she guessed my pin (U-daman) is beyond me.
The message is from Rachel (a nightclub owner) asking me not to forget the bodybutter and jojoba oil.
12:02
Blondie is screaming like a woman possessed. She takes the Jesper bust and hurls it at me. Her aim is pretty good and his upturned peak only just misses my eye. I retreat hastily to the bathroom and lock the door. The expletives flowing from her mouth (most of them in Swedish) would make a sailor blush. Not sure how I am going to get out of this one, but might as well drop the kids off at the pool while I’m in here.
15:00
Finally emerge from the bathroom. The house is dead quiet, which is disconcerting. I make my way cautiously to the kitchen. The three hours spent in the bathroom meant I missed my 1:30pm protein shake. I open the walk-in fridge and there she is. Using all the strength and technique gained from being a pitcher on our neighbourhood’s softball team, she hurls my BlackBerry at me. I am a split second too slow, and the phone hits me in the mouth, knocking my front tooth out. Not since I grew an Afro have I looked this uncool or unattractive.
I pick up the tooth and run out of the kitchen. Think it might be best if I go to mom’s place for the afternoon. I have a spare tub of protein there.
01:00
I slink into the driveway and use my secret tunnel to gain access to the house. The kids are in their rooms, which means Elin must be somewhere around. Stefanie is in the kitchen having a midnight snack (a sparkling mineral water). She looks great.... easy tiger! I go up to the bedroom. No sign of Blondie. At least my mouth has stopped bleeding. Think I‘ll call it a day and deal with this mess tomorrow. I put my tooth in my slipper. Maybe I’ll get some money for it.
02:00
I am woken by a searing pain in my stomach. Blondie is standing over me with a golf club. I grab my tooth and make a dash for the door, although not before she gets in another couple of whacks. I grab my keys off the kitchen table. Blondie is behind me, hitting things at random with the 9-iron. I notice she uses an interlock grip. I jump into the Escalade and as I’m reversing, I notice Stefanie doing Pilates on the lawn. Distracted, I collide with the hedge and then the fire hydrant. My head hits the steering wheel and I black out. When I come to, I’m parked up against a tree and Blondie is standing over me. She asks what half of a billion is, ‘cos that’s what she’s getting when we get divorced.
Clutching my tooth, I drift away again. Why do I think this is just the beginning?
NB: This article is intended as a parody.
