8:18am
Wake up with a pounding headache. The last time my head throbbed this badly was when I put on Tom Kite’s glasses at a charity auction. I wonder how many empty calories are in the system after all those tequilas. I can feel my biceps shrinking. It doesn’t matter though: 5-0 baby, 5-0.
Should probably go and find Steve. The crazy Kiwi started a conga line in the bar and then began hurling abuse at the Internationals – Adam Scott, in particular, copped some serious flack. Think I need to start easing our Steve off the hard tack.
10:00am
One by one we shuffle into the lounge for breakfast. Phil is still wearing the bra we dared him to put on the previous evening and I don’t think Jim has noticed the phallic-looking image magic markered on his chrome dome. This should be interesting.
Still no sign of Steve or the Internationals. Michael J walks into the room singing ‘I believe we won by five…’ A poor attempt at R Kelly’s ‘I believe I can fly’. Still pretty catchy.
11:30am
Jim has just noticed that the top of his head looks like an artist’s sketch pad. Let’s just say he’s less than impressed. Fred owns up to doing it, but Jim punches Anthony instead. Think that’s what they call ‘bottom of the food chain’.
Steve wanders in wearing nothing but the 14th flag. An awkward silence descends over the group. It’s at this point that the Internationals walk in. Adam Scott asks Steve if somebody turned the aircon on. Adam 1 – Steve 1.
14:00pm
Gather around the pool to watch Angel do a bomb drop in a tight Speedo. Despite losing, the International team still seems to be in very good spirits.
Tim Clark is doing a slow dance with his putter while Camilo does push-ups with Greg on his back. It’s all rather bizarre. Greg looks like he’s having fun though.
16:00pm
Start packing up my stuff. Hear a knock on the door. It’s YE. Said he was still hurting after the 6 & 5 thrashing I handed him. At least, that’s what I think he was saying. Couldn’t really understand him. The moment was made even more awkward by Ryo shouting ‘Mr Miyagi’ as he walked past my door.
Lucky I own my own plane otherwise I don’t know how I would get all my clothes home. Elin is not the lightest of travellers. She comes with plenty of baggage. Flight is at 7pm. Might just have time to knock back a quiet one with Ernie. Wait… with Ernie it’s never quiet. And it’s never one. I decide it might be best to leave it.
18:00pm
All of us gather in the foyer to say our last goodbyes. Steve is blubbing like a three-year-old. Think it might be alcohol-induced, though. He disappeared for the entire afternoon.
Kenny Perry insists on giving each of the Internationals one of the waffles he made on his mini stove as a souvenir. Apparently it works wonders in removing the bitter taste of defeat. Vijay asks if he can have a ride to the airport. Apparently he was supposed to travel with Geoff, but was worried he might fall asleep out of sheer boredom and miss his flight. I say he’s more than welcome. Think he just wants to sit close to Elin. Can’t say I blame him.
NB: This article is intended as a parody.
