03:00
Can’t sleep. Still suffering from jet-lag. Due to some inexplicable reason, Steve and I have to share a room. Never heard of a 46-year old man getting separation anxiety. As I look at him in the pale moonlight, I am once again convinced that his forefathers were, in fact, beavers.
Need to try to get some shut-eye. Final round tomorrow. In a three-way tie for the lead. Did not see that coming.
06:00
Am roused from my sleep by the loud shrills of the hotel telephone – my wake-up call. Feel like death warmed up. Steve is now half on, half off the bed, smelling of a unique combination of XXXX and gin. It’s not pretty. Not sure how I’m going to wake him up. Think I’ll be making most of the reads today.
Can’t find my red shirt either. It’s not looking good.
07:30
Finally fi nd my red shirt. Turns out Steve was lying on it. Manage to get him up with some help from the didgeridoo he bought at a craft market.
Head downstairs for my traditional final round breakfast – a protein shake and some coconut oil. Hey, you can’t argue with 14 Majors.
09:00
Arrive at Kingston Heath. I radiate awesomeness as I step out of my chauffeur-driven Holden. The large crowd assembled shouts my name frantically.
The gloss of the moment is dulled by Steve, who begins hurling expletives at them in his All Black jersey.
11:30
Stretches complete. Did the traditional good-luck kiss of each bicep in the change-room. Bump into James Nitties on the way down to the 1st tee. Tell him that his surname rhymes with a certain part of the female anatomy.
Not my best joke, but it got a laugh out of Steve. That’s how I knew it wasn’t my best joke.
19:00
Sorry, couldn’t write the old diary while I was playing. Let’s just say I exuded superior talent out there this afternoon. Let’s also say that I laugh in the face of three-way ties. 14-under. The $250 000 is chump change compared to my $3-million appearance fee. I love being a world No 1 with massive biceps and chiselled abs.
The most rewarding feeling, though, is knowing that Steve is fl ying off to New Zealand for a bit. Not sure which island he plans on demolishing, but glad I won’t be there to witness it. Somebody else’s problem. He was absolutely redundant out there today. Think I might let loose a bit tonight – double vodka/passion fruit here I come.
NB: This article is intended as a parody.
