David vs Goliath
You might think that pitting a pint-sized journalist against a grizzly Springbok front-rower is a rather horrible mismatch – and you’d be right. But throw in a couple of bee stings, one prank phone call and sweltering 35-degree heat and the playing fields were much more level when Simon Hill took on rugby great Toks van der Linde.
I wiped my forehead with the soft cotton towel in the men’s locker room. Not because it was hot (which it was) but because I was nervous. In a few minutes I would tee it up against a man whose right thigh weighs more than my entire family.
The venue is De Zalze Golf Club in Stellenbosch. My opponent is one Albert ‘Toks’ van der Linde – former Springbok prop turned rugby commentator. A formidable man. A man you would not like to meet in jail. A man so used to winning he listed ‘losing’ as the thing he despises second most in life – right after salad.
My mission for the day was simple: try to beat Toks head-to-head over 18 holes of matchplay. Should I succeed, I would be allowed to drink my weight in beer. Should I lose, however, I would have to drink Toks’ weight in beer – a feat only Hugh Bladen and Denis Hutchinson have ever accomplished.
‘Easy enough’, you say. ‘Just look at the guy’. No, no, no, my friend. You see, large and in charge he might be, but a slouch on the golf course Toks is certainly not. This is mainly due to the fact that he adheres strictly to the Retired Rugby Players’ Code of Conduct, which states: when thou is not behind the microphone, thou shall be on thy tee-box. As a result, he would be playing off his lower handicap, which was a five. I, on the other hand, would be playing off probably the dodgiest four handicap in the history of the game.
Separated by seven Springbok caps, one stroke and 80 Weighless classes, we stood on the par-four 1st making our final preparations – he finished off a chocolate milk, while I rummaged through my bag for a trusty, reliable ball. Toks, given his status as alpha male, had the honour of leading us off. Swinging at a mere 30 percent, but with the surprising suppleness of a 13-year-old Russian gymnast, the six-foot-five giant from Senekal crushed his ball further than I go on holiday (hey, recession is tough).
I knew I had to respond accordingly. To have shown weakness now would have been like waving a marinated chop at a lion. My body, though, clearly didn’t get the memo because I hooked it left with aplomb into the stream running alongside the fairway (so much for that trusty ball), dropped out, two-putted and took a five. Toks, buoyed by my pathetically obvious lack of BMT, tickled a sandwedge onto the green and comfortably two-putted for a four. And just like that, before I could ask, ‘Who styles Kobus Wiese’s hair?’ I was 1 down.
OK, so you’re probably expecting this article to carry on in a similar fashion: young Soutie devoured by experienced, hungry Bok. And on any other day you’d be correct. But, somehow, this occasion was different: Soutie didn’t feel like being on the menu. So, after that initial setback, I managed to eke out pars over the next four holes. Toks, now taking a bit of strain in the 35°C sunshine, did the same.
My patience was soon rewarded and I drew level on the par-four 5th. Not through a triple-breaking 50-footer but, rather, thanks to a Leon Schuster phone call. Toks, who recently played a delightful cameo in Schuster’s new film Schucks Tshabalala’s Survival Guide to South Africa 2010, broke every piece of golfing etiquette as he reminisced on his cellphone with his leading man about the great time had by all in catching out former Bok manager Jannie Engelbrecht. After five minutes of tears, promises and ‘bel my Leontjies’, Toks was finally ready to resume our match. His mind, however, was clearly elsewhere (I’m guessing an Oscar acceptance speech) and he double-bogeyed the hole. I made a five, which meant we were back to all-square.
My joy, though, was short-lived and the seven-time Bok wasted no time in regaining his advantage with a win on the following hole. But, on the 7th hole, Soutie bounced back. Defying three generations of poor putting in my family, I sank a 20-footer for birdie. Toks, who had been conversing in relatively fluent English up until this point, let out a guttural cry of annoyance in his mother tongue as he realised his par was no good.
After halving the par-five 8th, the big guy dumped his ball in the dam on the tricky par-three 9th. It is a mistake he rues to this day. Again, completely out of character, I stuck it to within five feet and boxed the putt for birdie for an outward nine of 37, one better than Toks. More importantly, though, I was 1 up.
It was then that I suffered from one of the worst ever recorded cases of post-halfway house optimism. Standing on the 10th tee with a pepper steak pie in my stomach, I thought I was invincible. Nothing could go wrong from here. Nothing. Toks, though, had other ideas and after giving me the same look he used to give Nick Mallet after a five-kilometre run, the 140-kilogram giant mounted a charge, claiming 10, 11 and 12 to go 2 up on the match.
A comeback of epic proportions was required as I was fast in danger of becoming the first person in the world to let Toks run off with anything. Fortunately, relief came in the form of two back-to-back Van der Linde bogeys on the par-five 14th and par-four 15th, which brought the game back to level. However, it was the tough par-five 17th that would prove to be Albert’s true undoing.
He may have played against some of the world’s best rugby players, but even Toks was no match for the hornet’s nest he found in the oak trees after hooking his tee shot. They clearly had no idea who he was either, or they probably would have thought twice about ruining a good game. Instead, they stung him on his back and in between one of the skin folds at the back of his head. Letting out expletives similar to those used by Gordon Ramsay, Toksie – now clearly ruffled – hacked out sideways and finished up with an ugly double-bogey seven. I made par, meaning I was 1 up going down the last.
I wish I could tell you that the final hole was something spectacular. That Toks, playing through the pain, chipped in for birdie to halve the match. Unfortunately (for him) it wasn’t to be. Goliath had all his resistance stung out of him and finished up with a bogey five. Naturally, I was looking to add insult to injury and make a birdie three and would have done so had it not been for Toks’ sniffing. A four, though, was good enough to beat a Bok and avoid certain alcohol poisoning.
But it was a hollow victory, and the 10 rounds of drinks Toks purchased afterwards did little to remove the bitter taste in my mouth. Somehow, though, we still found it in ourselves to bury the hatchet and toast a memorable afternoon. And with the sun setting over the Hottentots Holland mountains, Soutie and Boer put their differences aside, and sat next to each other in amicable silence.
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO TOKS
Having retired from the murky world of the front row, Toks now finds himself in front of the camera, presenting the popular Afrikaans variety show Oor die Kole, alongside his old mate and former Bok teammate Kobus Wiese.
“It all started in 2004,” he explains, “when I was over in Ireland and Jake [White] asked me to present the jerseys to the Springbok team. Kobus was there for SuperSport and over a few ‘lemonades’ I told him about my passion for interviewing sporting legends.” It turns out that the Super- Sport guys were looking for someone to co-host their new show and Toks proved to be the right man at the right time.
“We have now done over 130 episodes, I have seen the world and I have interviewed some amazing people,” he boasts. When not anchoring the show, Toks acts as a brand ambassador for Cipla Medpro, a company that produces affordable generic medicine. He gets to play quite a lot of golf, entertaining clients with his affable nature and working on his handicap at the same time. The front-rower is also the natural choice as the emcee for the popular Agri-Securitas series of golf days, which raise money for farmers’ security.
“I love what I do,” he says. “My job entitles me to play golf – as much as I can – because it is where I do my business. But I really enjoy it and it allows me to relax. I love people and for me, the most important thing in life is to live for tomorrow.”
The golf may also have played some part in Toks trimming down to a respectable 140 kilograms, shedding some 25 kilos. “I take Ciplatrim, I exercise and I eat right – only protein for me,” he explains. Looking back on an illustrious rugby career, Toks reckons that New Zealand opposition was always the hardest to play against. “The toughest front row I ever took on was Olo Brown, Sean Fitzpatrick and Craig Dowd,” he smiles. “That Olo Brown taught me a few lessons.”
It’s good to know that Compleat Golfer is also capable of teaching the big man a lesson, albeit on the golf course.
