5:30 am
Wake up to the sound of ‘God Defend New Zealand’ blaring from across the road. Think this might be the techno version. Open the curtains to see Steve in his underpants (looks like a size small) dancing deliriously down the street. Might need to send him back to those ‘meetings’ again. Am beginning to rue the fact that we’re neighbours.
Slip back into a deep sleep and have a bizarre dream about Steve’s head on a beaver’s body.
6:30 am
Woken up. This time by Sam. Thinks it’s feeding time. Believe it or not, there are things I cannot do.
7am
Come downstairs for breakfast. Check my phone and see nine missed calls from Jesper. He wants to talk. Think he’s still upset cos I told him Fanny was the only person who found him attractive. Don’t think I’m going to tell Elin. She thought his ridiculous hats were cute.
7:20 am
Pop upstairs to wake Elin up. She likes her lie-ins since I rescued her from the ‘Swedish Sweatshop.’ Asked her if she heard Steve’s appalling behaviour and taste in music last night. She said that since she’s been married to me she’s learnt to block out irritating noises. Thought it was supposed to be the other way around.
9:30 am
Phoned Mark O’Meara. Asked him if he’d like to meet me at the range. He says he’s been told to lay off the golf for a bit. Apparently his double chin has gotten so heavy it’s messing with his weight transition. I told him that he might want to ease off the cheeseburgers. He says that would compromise his manhood.
Head over to pick up Steve. Walk in to find photos of Richie McCaw and Russell Crowe everywhere. Looks like he’s built some sort of shrine to them in the fireplace. Find him passed out on the couch. Have to dangle an old glove under his nose to wake him up.
11:30 am
After an hour-and-a-half of practise, things are not going well. Steve is still drunk and won’t stop shouting, “Get in the hole!” every time I hit a drive. I’m snap-hooking everything like a dream today. Glance over to see JD a couple of stalls down the way. I wave politely. Don’t know where he found it, but Steve has reappeared with a bottle of whisky. Didn’t know he and JD were such good friends.
3:40 pm
Arrive back home. Good to see Elin finally up and about. She should be good to go by supper time. Take Sam out to the putting green in the backyard. Asked Scotty to cut down one of my old putters for her. We have a putting competition. Bit of a one-sided contest (I win 10 up). Reminded me of the ’97 Masters. Still got it.
7 pm
Put Sam and Charlie to bed. Get an SMS from Fanny asking for Jesper’s number. Send her his home and mobile numbers just to be safe.
Supper tonight is chicken casserole. Elin has a salad. Steve calls halfway through dinner asking if he can come over later. Wants me to see how good his calves look in the 2000 US Open DVD. I ask if I can take a rain-check. He slams the phone down.
9.30 pm
Phone mom. Ask her to send me some more of that Chai tea. Elin looks like she’s going out. Wonder if I should be concerned about her new friendship with Adam Scott. Aussies and Kiwis – you just can’t trust ‘em.
Set the alarm for gym at 5.30. Think Steve might wake me up before then. Must remember to call Padraig and ask him for that Lord of the Dance DVD. Love that stuff. Fall asleep.
NB: This article is intended as a parody.
